Pt: 2 New Apartment

Episode song: New Apartment - Ari Lennox

As Bri pulled up to her new apartment, she couldn’t help but laugh at her new environment. Scaffolding and dusty brick surrounded her as she got out of the moving truck. An ambulance rushed past, trumpeting its siren as it whooshed by. Bri wasn’t used to all of the noise and chaos and felt a sense of overwhelming unease. She kept a smile on her face though, partially because her building number was 420, and partially because she didn’t want her family to see her real feelings brewing underneath the surface.

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As soon as she entered the apartment, Bri got to work. Beginning with cleaning the apartment, Bri began to accept her fate and even fell into the trap of getting excited about her future. Bri’s dad, Jean Louis, emphatically proclaimed in Haitian Creole, “BonDie protege petit fi’m,” meaning God, protect my daughter. In his own way, she knew he was scared too but didn't know how to express it. To this, she flippantly replied, “If God loved me, he wouldn't have sent me here.” Bri’s mom, Glenda, chortled and said, “It’s because God loves you he sent you away from the distractions in your life!” With a side eye and a sigh, Bri and her family continued cleaning, unpacking, and settling in her new space.

The unpacking was done ceremoniously. Haitian music played on Bri’s speaker as her family helped her unload her whole life into her tiny studio. Luckily, she didn't bring much to begin with; she wanted to begin anew, and decided that she needed all new items to do so. She spotted the box of things Kareem gifted to her for her move and put it in the closet. She wanted to savor the moments when she would add a piece of him into her space, and decided to do it in the presence of no one but the moon.

With tears in her eyes, Bri hugged each of her family members as they were getting ready to leave. She knew goodbyes hurt, but as her new reality began to set in, she felt a familiar tug at her heartstrings watching her lifelines walk away from her. Although she chose to leave the nest, she couldn't help but feel like a child being dropped off at daycare, unaware and inconsiderate of the fact that their parent would be back to pick them up when they could. Before she could sink into her feelings, Kareem FaceTimed her and provided the comfort she craved.

“Hey Bri, let me see our new spot,” Kareem said playfully.

“It’s small but I think it’s perfect for me,” Bri replied, as she walked him through her studio with a sense of accomplishment.

“That couch looks big enough for the both of us, I can’t wait for our movie nights. I am so proud of you baby girl, you did it.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you, thank you for all the support habibi.”

As they spoke, Bri got into bed, and dozed off to the sound of Kareem’s voice. Although her world had turned upside down, she was grateful for the anchors in her life that grounded her.

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Pt.1: A Shattered White Picket Fence

Episode song: World We Created - Giveon

Bri looked around the apartment she shared with her boyfriend, Kareem, for the last time through puffy eyes and a sleepy gaze. Kareem pretended to be asleep as Bri sniffled aggressively, trying desperately to stop the ever-flowing tears that had started the night before. Bri kissed Kareem’s cheek, and he fluttered his eyes open to embrace her one last time, for now.

The sun had just begun its ascent; he could barely see her, but he didn’t need to because he had etched that face of hers onto his heart a million times over. Bri reached for the lamp so they could look at one another and embrace each other in the early morning silence before she left, but he gently redirected her hand into his palm and tightly interlocked their fingers. He guided her hand onto his cheek, simultaneously kissing it and rubbing her soft fingers against his cheek so she could feel his tears, too. There were no more words to say; in their hearts, they could hear all the love they shared for one another, and their bodies had overdosed on expressing that love the night before.

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Bri loved the smell of Kareem—it was the only thing that could calm her anxiety attacks when she had learned that she had to move to NYC for a new job opportunity and he wouldn’t be coming with her. So, this morning, she had resolved not to shower so that the smell of him could be imprinted on her when she left. Feeling his tears on her hand nearly sent her over the edge, but she knew if she began to sob, like she so desperately wanted to, he’d pull away from her so his emotions wouldn’t overflow as well. She laid on his chest to hear his heartbeat and whispered to him, “In Lak’ech.” That was their phrase they had shared on numerous occasions, meaning I am you, and you are me. As Bri kissed him, in her heart, she couldn’t help but wonder if this was the end. She prayed a quick prayer, begging God not to take this love from her, and abruptly got up from his chest and headed for the door.

Weeks prior, Bri had been frantically applying to jobs that she felt would finally soothe the aching in her heart for a fulfilled life. Everything seemed right on the outside: she had the loving, loyal partner, the sweetest puppy, an amazing support system, and she had just graduated with a degree she was guaranteed to get a job with. After graduating, she had decided to move in with her partner, Kareem, because she was intent on having the white picket fence with him.

While grocery shopping for the house one day, Bri received an email that made her feel dizzy and weak. She stopped what she was doing and ran to her car to collect herself and call her sister, Christy. After one ring, Christy answered with a warm “Hi, sugar plum, I was just thinking about you.” Bri could barely contain her anxiety and blurted out, “BITCH, I just got a job in NEW YORK CITY.” There was a momentary breach in Christy’s calm demeanor as she screeched, “WHAT?! CONGRATULATIONS! You deserve this! This is the culmination of everything you’ve been working towards.” As they excitedly spoke over one another, expressing their excitement, grief, sadness, and anticipation, it began to sink in that the white picket fence Bri had built in her head had just shattered, and everything she knew was turned upside down.

Many long conversations, tears, and hugs later, Bri and Kareem had come to terms with the fact that they’d be long-distance and had committed to reconvening after Bri’s first year in NYC. “It’s only a 4-hour drive, babe, we’ll see each other all the time,” Kareem repeatedly said, hoping to pacify Bri’s ever-worsening anxiety. He had begun finding Bri on their balcony at all hours of the night, staring at the spire of the nation’s Capitol with the remnants of the joints she couldn’t seem to stop rolling. He tried not to show his worry, but her behavior was concerning, and he didn’t know how to support her and grieve simultaneously, so he focused all of his efforts on her.

The day finally came when Bri had to move, and Kareem had a pit of dread in his stomach. Although he would do anything for Bri, being long-distance was something he wasn’t looking forward to, and it just reminded him of why he couldn’t get too close to anyone—they always seemed to leave him. In the dark, he could hear her gathering the rest of the things, and her sniffles that justified the mountain of used tissues on her nightstand. In his last embrace with her, he could hear the thoughts racing in her mind. Before he could break open his lips to mutter an “I love you,” she broke away and headed for the door.

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The Growing Pains Series Foreword

It has a long been a dream of mine to create a fictional series and I thought no better time than the present! I have always been an avid reader and writer but stopped due to life’s responsibilities. With this series, I am hoping to create a legacy for you all to love, and for me to grow in my creative endeavors.

This is a piece of work that speaks from my heart and will allow me to express my creativity while uplifting and shining light on the lessons that we have learned throughout our lives. This will be a continuous series, with no definitive end yet so if you’re starting here, thank you for sharing this journey with me.

So without further ado, I introduce you to Pt. 1 of the “Growing Pains” series…

The Start of Something New

I originally started this page as a communal podcast page but that didn’t feel authentic to me. I am now converting this to a personal journal because one, it’s more entertaining, and two, I need to journal more, so it’s a win win.

If you are unfamiliar with my story, I moved from VA to NYC in September 2023 and ever since, my life has been a cluster fuck of healing, crying, working, convincing myself I’m over my ex while looking for my future husband, and discovering my creative passions. Although the journey has been chaotic, it has truly been nothing short of magical so I am sure there is more goodness ahead of me. But for right now? Things feel a little rough.

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Why do things feel rough, you ask? Well, seasonal depression is a bitch and coming home to yourself every night can get a little… monotonous. I truly LOVE living alone and being single is fun; I am really stepping into my own in the world. But after a long day at work, sometimes all you want to come home to is someone asking how your day was, dinner being ready for you, and good sex to make you forget all about your shitty day at work. I knew the dating scene in NY would be tragic so I didn’t have much hope for that initially but rough is an understatement. Nevertheless, I persevere and put out good intentions into my love life because I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to do life alone.

Additionally! I am a full time embryologist (I help people get pregnant if they are struggling with infertility) and you would think it’d be such a gratifying career because it is. “Awww, you create families,” is generally the first thing I hear, after explaining what an embryologist is for the 500th time. Yes, it is nice that I can contribute to society in such a way but the work is tiresome, thankless, and nearly ulcer inducing. I appreciate what I do but I’m not in love with it so I am currently struggling with feelings of insecurity. I make more than 95% of my peers, I have my own place, and I’m living in NYC! What’s there to be sad about, right? Sadly, wrong.

Recently, I had the notion that even if all the boxes are checked for me in NYC, I still don’t belong. It’s been difficult grappling with that reality because what else are you supposed to ask for as a black woman besides a successful public life? In my somewhat forced solitude, I have gotten much closer to my authentic self, and let me tell you something, she is a bitch. I am learning to embrace every single part of me and enforcing boundaries to protect the peace I’ve created for myself, so I’ve been called a bitch once or twice in the process. And that FUELS ME. It’s helped me realize that no matter what you do, people will have something to say so why not be you to the fullest extent? I say that to say, my family will be shocked when they find out I will be leaving my prestigious position as a baby maker to become a writer. In my alone time, I’ve discovered that I’ve been a story teller my whole life and now I want to do it… on the big screen. So, stay tuned for the ride.

The trauma and grief you endure when embarking on a new journey in life can be overwhelming and anxiety inducing and luckily for me, I am dealing with all those things currently. I will admit, over time things get more stable (as long as you find the stability in yourself) but things don’t get easier. If anything, the challenges get more adept at triggering your weak points, even when you think you’ve healed to the ultimate level. There are many situations I didn’t think I’d have to face (boyfriend breakups, friend breakups, family drama) but here I am, and I’m still standing! I’ve started incorporating yoga into my daily life, stopped smoking weed to focus on my creative endeavors, and shaved my head bald, so I’m essentially the Dalai Lama right now. Although life feels a little more dull, I am much clearer mentally and plan to be the best version of myself to access the success that is so clearly mine.

I thank you for starting this journey with me and know that we will laugh, cry, and scream together. In sharing my journey, thoughts, mistakes, dreams, and realities, I hope to create the community I long for. If you love these posts, be sure to tune into my podcast Growing Pains on all major platforms for an audio taste of me.

Your bestie,

Bria <3