The Start of Something New
I originally started this page as a communal podcast page but that didn’t feel authentic to me. I am now converting this to a personal journal because one, it’s more entertaining, and two, I need to journal more, so it’s a win win.
If you are unfamiliar with my story, I moved from VA to NYC in September 2023 and ever since, my life has been a cluster fuck of healing, crying, working, convincing myself I’m over my ex while looking for my future husband, and discovering my creative passions. Although the journey has been chaotic, it has truly been nothing short of magical so I am sure there is more goodness ahead of me. But for right now? Things feel a little rough.
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Why do things feel rough, you ask? Well, seasonal depression is a bitch and coming home to yourself every night can get a little… monotonous. I truly LOVE living alone and being single is fun; I am really stepping into my own in the world. But after a long day at work, sometimes all you want to come home to is someone asking how your day was, dinner being ready for you, and good sex to make you forget all about your shitty day at work. I knew the dating scene in NY would be tragic so I didn’t have much hope for that initially but rough is an understatement. Nevertheless, I persevere and put out good intentions into my love life because I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to do life alone.
Additionally! I am a full time embryologist (I help people get pregnant if they are struggling with infertility) and you would think it’d be such a gratifying career because it is. “Awww, you create families,” is generally the first thing I hear, after explaining what an embryologist is for the 500th time. Yes, it is nice that I can contribute to society in such a way but the work is tiresome, thankless, and nearly ulcer inducing. I appreciate what I do but I’m not in love with it so I am currently struggling with feelings of insecurity. I make more than 95% of my peers, I have my own place, and I’m living in NYC! What’s there to be sad about, right? Sadly, wrong.
Recently, I had the notion that even if all the boxes are checked for me in NYC, I still don’t belong. It’s been difficult grappling with that reality because what else are you supposed to ask for as a black woman besides a successful public life? In my somewhat forced solitude, I have gotten much closer to my authentic self, and let me tell you something, she is a bitch. I am learning to embrace every single part of me and enforcing boundaries to protect the peace I’ve created for myself, so I’ve been called a bitch once or twice in the process. And that FUELS ME. It’s helped me realize that no matter what you do, people will have something to say so why not be you to the fullest extent? I say that to say, my family will be shocked when they find out I will be leaving my prestigious position as a baby maker to become a writer. In my alone time, I’ve discovered that I’ve been a story teller my whole life and now I want to do it… on the big screen. So, stay tuned for the ride.
The trauma and grief you endure when embarking on a new journey in life can be overwhelming and anxiety inducing and luckily for me, I am dealing with all those things currently. I will admit, over time things get more stable (as long as you find the stability in yourself) but things don’t get easier. If anything, the challenges get more adept at triggering your weak points, even when you think you’ve healed to the ultimate level. There are many situations I didn’t think I’d have to face (boyfriend breakups, friend breakups, family drama) but here I am, and I’m still standing! I’ve started incorporating yoga into my daily life, stopped smoking weed to focus on my creative endeavors, and shaved my head bald, so I’m essentially the Dalai Lama right now. Although life feels a little more dull, I am much clearer mentally and plan to be the best version of myself to access the success that is so clearly mine.
I thank you for starting this journey with me and know that we will laugh, cry, and scream together. In sharing my journey, thoughts, mistakes, dreams, and realities, I hope to create the community I long for. If you love these posts, be sure to tune into my podcast Growing Pains on all major platforms for an audio taste of me.
Your bestie,
Bria <3