Pt.1: A Shattered White Picket Fence

Episode song: World We Created - Giveon

Bri looked around the apartment she shared with her boyfriend, Kareem, for the last time through puffy eyes and a sleepy gaze. Kareem pretended to be asleep as Bri sniffled aggressively, trying desperately to stop the ever-flowing tears that had started the night before. Bri kissed Kareem’s cheek, and he fluttered his eyes open to embrace her one last time, for now.

The sun had just begun its ascent; he could barely see her, but he didn’t need to because he had etched that face of hers onto his heart a million times over. Bri reached for the lamp so they could look at one another and embrace each other in the early morning silence before she left, but he gently redirected her hand into his palm and tightly interlocked their fingers. He guided her hand onto his cheek, simultaneously kissing it and rubbing her soft fingers against his cheek so she could feel his tears, too. There were no more words to say; in their hearts, they could hear all the love they shared for one another, and their bodies had overdosed on expressing that love the night before.

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Bri loved the smell of Kareem—it was the only thing that could calm her anxiety attacks when she had learned that she had to move to NYC for a new job opportunity and he wouldn’t be coming with her. So, this morning, she had resolved not to shower so that the smell of him could be imprinted on her when she left. Feeling his tears on her hand nearly sent her over the edge, but she knew if she began to sob, like she so desperately wanted to, he’d pull away from her so his emotions wouldn’t overflow as well. She laid on his chest to hear his heartbeat and whispered to him, “In Lak’ech.” That was their phrase they had shared on numerous occasions, meaning I am you, and you are me. As Bri kissed him, in her heart, she couldn’t help but wonder if this was the end. She prayed a quick prayer, begging God not to take this love from her, and abruptly got up from his chest and headed for the door.

Weeks prior, Bri had been frantically applying to jobs that she felt would finally soothe the aching in her heart for a fulfilled life. Everything seemed right on the outside: she had the loving, loyal partner, the sweetest puppy, an amazing support system, and she had just graduated with a degree she was guaranteed to get a job with. After graduating, she had decided to move in with her partner, Kareem, because she was intent on having the white picket fence with him.

While grocery shopping for the house one day, Bri received an email that made her feel dizzy and weak. She stopped what she was doing and ran to her car to collect herself and call her sister, Christy. After one ring, Christy answered with a warm “Hi, sugar plum, I was just thinking about you.” Bri could barely contain her anxiety and blurted out, “BITCH, I just got a job in NEW YORK CITY.” There was a momentary breach in Christy’s calm demeanor as she screeched, “WHAT?! CONGRATULATIONS! You deserve this! This is the culmination of everything you’ve been working towards.” As they excitedly spoke over one another, expressing their excitement, grief, sadness, and anticipation, it began to sink in that the white picket fence Bri had built in her head had just shattered, and everything she knew was turned upside down.

Many long conversations, tears, and hugs later, Bri and Kareem had come to terms with the fact that they’d be long-distance and had committed to reconvening after Bri’s first year in NYC. “It’s only a 4-hour drive, babe, we’ll see each other all the time,” Kareem repeatedly said, hoping to pacify Bri’s ever-worsening anxiety. He had begun finding Bri on their balcony at all hours of the night, staring at the spire of the nation’s Capitol with the remnants of the joints she couldn’t seem to stop rolling. He tried not to show his worry, but her behavior was concerning, and he didn’t know how to support her and grieve simultaneously, so he focused all of his efforts on her.

The day finally came when Bri had to move, and Kareem had a pit of dread in his stomach. Although he would do anything for Bri, being long-distance was something he wasn’t looking forward to, and it just reminded him of why he couldn’t get too close to anyone—they always seemed to leave him. In the dark, he could hear her gathering the rest of the things, and her sniffles that justified the mountain of used tissues on her nightstand. In his last embrace with her, he could hear the thoughts racing in her mind. Before he could break open his lips to mutter an “I love you,” she broke away and headed for the door.

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